Maybe I'll Sleep When I Am Dead
by catsandzack
Summary: McCoy knew he shouldn't blame himself for the unfortunate situation they were in, but he couldn't help it. The signs were all there, even if the girl had done a good job of hiding it.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: this is a dumb thing I'm writing to deal with my crippling depression lol please don't hurt me, I'm just a lowly stats major with no talent for writing**

There were things that even the esteemed Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise could not detect with the most thorough medical exam. Sicknesses of the brain, the turmoils of a heart—not physical, but emotional. He looked over to the patient currently lying unconscious in one of his sickbay's biobeds. When he had taken her from Scotty's arms, McCoy had instantly recognized her as the girl Jim Kirk affectionately called Goldie. Not that the girl was a ray of sunshine or anything; she wouldn't be in this situation if she was. As far as he could tell, she was quite the opposite.

He often saw her in the mess hall chatting with the captain, if she wasn't already in the company of the Chief Engineer and Keenser. But McCoy noted that her smiles never reached the corner of her eyes, her body language gave away that she was always a bit uncomfortable. Before he knew it, he had made a habit of observing the girl while he waited for Kirk to join him back at their table. McCoy guessed Jim probably wasn't talking to her to flirt and make advances. She was rather plain looking, McCoy admitted. Her short, straight black hair and makeup-less face left much to be desired, at least in the physical department. She also opted to wear the same shirt and trousers the male officers did. For an engineer, it was a logical and practical decision.

Jim seemed to enjoy his short interactions with Goldie, much to the annoyance of fellow female crew members. He would crack a dumb joke and she would cover her mouth with her hand for an awkward laugh. After they split ways, she grabbed a meal from the food synthesizer and always made it over to a small table facing a corner of the mess hall with her food and PADD in hand. McCoy wondered what she studied so intensely as she ate, though it really wasn't any of his business.

Some odd day while he and Jim sat in the mess hall where they carried conversation as usual, McCoy couldn't help but raise the topic of the mysterious girl.

"So… who's your friend back there?" he pointed over Jim's shoulder.

"Oh, that's Augustine Rand. Her name's kind of a mouthful so I just call her Goldie instead."

"That clashes with that red shirt of hers," McCoy commented.

"It's clever though!" Jim's face lit up. "Aug? August? Doesn't sound good. So I thought, how about A-U? Like the element? Get it?" He was so proud of himself.

"Yeah, yeah. But still, it's not like you to take time to hang out with just some random crew member."

Jim shrugged. "She was with Scotty one time I went to talk to him, so I figured it was only polite of me to introduce myself. She already knew who I am, obviously." He scrunched his face. "I asked her to call me Jim. ' _Captain_ Jim,' she says."

McCoy scoffed. "Have you ever considered she might not want to talk to you? She seems kind of… uncomfortable."

"Don't worry about it Bones, Goldie's just shy. She's quiet and mostly keeps to herself but she's observant and has a lot of interesting insights. You'd enjoy talking to her too, I think. She even dabbles in a bit of medicine on the side! You two should get acquainted. Aren't you sick of being so grumpy by yourself all the time?"

"Jim, I'm not exactly pleasant company. You want me to spread my grumpiness to some undeserving girl I don't know?"

"That's my point, Bones. Get to know her!" Jim paused, a smirk forming on his face. "Then maybe you can unload something else into her if you catch my drif—" He received a smack to his head. "Ow, it was just a joke!" he complained.

McCoy threw him a dirty look. "Joke, my ass. I see what you're trying to do. Besides, why aren't YOU the one trying to work your oh so famous charm?"

"I mean, does she look like the type to go around looking for hookups? No offense. She has her nose in that PADD all the time and I'm surprised she ever socializes. Not exactly the most approachable person. Anyway, she gets regular physics like everyone else, I'm sure you could just look into her files. She's probably had to disclose that she hasn't had sex in awhile… Maybe ever," Jim's eyes widened.

"That's none of my concern."

"Oh it will be." That earned Jim another smack in the head. "Yeah, I deserved that."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: trigger warnings for depressing stuff. Anyway, I don't think this story's gonna be long or fleshed out. Like I said, I just needed an outlet to deal with my own mental health problems. So yeah, this is a shameless (jk, everything I do fills me with shame) self-insert. SORRY I'M TRASH**

 _I'm not sure why it always goes downhill_

 _Why broken cisterns never could stay filled_

 _I've spent ten years singing gravity away_

 _But the water keeps on falling from the sky_

 _And here tonight while the stars are blacking out_

 _With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt_

 _I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away_

 _But the water keeps on falling from my eyes_

" _The Cure For Pain" by Jon Foreman_

Lieutenant junior grade Augustine Rand liked to think she was, for the most part, an invisible insignificant member of the Enterprise crew. She carefully carried out her duties under Montgomery Scott's supervision, stayed out of trouble, and kept to herself... so how the hell she had garnered the attention of a certain James Tiberius Kirk was largely a mystery. When he barged his way into her life, he created a rift in the mundane scheduled life that was so important for her sanity. And with him, he brought company.

Nothing scared Augustine more than the unknown. She eventually accepted that things would probably never go back to the quiet life she had established for herself. She wasn't sure if that was a blessing or a curse. Sure, change was probably healthy for her but that didn't mean it was what she wanted. She had been okay with the status quo. The days were mostly spent in the comforts of her own quarters. Gamma shift let her avoid the hustle and bustle of the more popular day shifts, something her anxiety thanked her for. She'd share a few "hellos" with fellow engineers she recognized only by face. Yes, they had exchanged names at some point in time, but Augustine was _god awful_ with names and it was waaaay too late to ask for them again. To be fair, they probably didn't know her name either. But still, she was grateful to have a place where she felt at least a little comfortable in the massive starship. The quiet hum of the engines, the soft pattering of Keenser's footsteps… they had become home to her.

But even the tragedies that hit the Enterprise became predictable, expected, something she got used to. But to say it wasn't taking a toll on her would have been a lie. Just like everyone else, she had come to learn that space was cold, cruel, and unforgiving. Losing crewmembers was the worst part of it all. The dangers of space travel robbed many of their bright futures. As for herself, she truly believed she didn't have a future. So why was _she_ still alive while her peers who actually deserved to live were being killed left and right? If she could, she would sacrifice her own life without hesitation to give someone else a second chance. Augustine sometimes found herself wishing she had been part of the body count and she despised herself for it, further filling her with guilt.

She often asked, to no one in particular, why things had spiraled downhill so quickly. For the longest time, she had been used to getting through life's endeavors successfully. She studied hard to pursue her goals and was rewarded with top marks in her engineering classes and the few medical ones she took on the side. She had close friends to spend time with, to vent her frustrations to, to celebrate with when she was assigned to the ship of her dreams. She thought of the high expectations everyone had for her, including herself. When she reflected on her life now, all she saw was failure. The negative thoughts rarely took a break and her emotional state flipped between being numb to constantly crying. So she did the one thing she knew how to do: drown herself in work.

There was only so much she could take before she eventually broke.


End file.
